TalentShow
by IckleSickle
Summary: "PLOT" Remus gets tired of James and (especially) Sirius tormenting him about being shy, and when the school has a talent show, decides to remind them they should be careful what they wish for, 'cause they just might get it. Crack-fic, nudity, cursing, implied (kinda) slash (kinda). Pussycat Dolls' 'When I Grow Up' exploited. Btw, when someone sucks your chin it feels really weird.


MWPP

Sirius entered the dorm with all the grace of a blind race horse, colliding with Peter's bed, or more specifically, Peter. The blond boy gave a surprised yelp before throwing the lunatic to the floor.

The former Black Heir didn't seem to mind. He was grinning like a jack-o-lantern as he scampered to his feet, grasping a piece of parchment in his hand and flailing it at James. When he started giggling madly, the messy-haired boy approached him hesitantly and plucked the paper from him. His eyes widened and an identical grin split his face when he read it.

"What is it?" Remus asked, afraid of the answer.

The two black-haired animagi turned to him in unison and Sirius nugded James, giggling some more. The bespectacled boy thrust the parchment to the wary werewolf, who took several steps back as soon as he had it in his hand. When he was relatively sure it was safe to take his eyes off the disastrous duo, he glanced at the paper.

"It's a sign-up form for the talent show", he said, furrowing his elegant brow. "And it specifically states that you two are not allowed to participate. What are you so excited about?"

"Well, we thought that maybe _you and Peter_ could -" Sirius started, but the pudgy animagus jumped to his feet and shook his head violently.

"No way!" he said, starting to sweat just from the idea. "I am not going to get on a stage in front of the whole school, no way."

"Aww, Wormy", James pouted and pinched the boy's cheek when he wasn't quick enough to dodge. "You would look _so good_ in the costumes we were thinking about. _All_ the girls would be all over you!"

As Peter squeeled and tried to escape the Seeker's grip, failing, Sirius inched close to the werewolf.

"All of _me_ would be all over _you_", he purred and flicked his tongue against the delicate shell of his friend's ear.

Remus didn't even flinch, just crumpled the form into ball and threw it over his shoulder before returning to sit on his bed and opening the ancient runes book he had been reading before the unfortunate distraction. Sirius whined and flopped himself at the foot of the bed.

"Should've known. Moonikins is afraid of the crowd too. I just wanted to see you in a sexy outfit, is all... But alas, he just isn't cut for a career in showbiz", he sighed dramatically.

James let go of the short animagus and climbed next to the long-haired boy, forcing the werewolf to shift his feet so his knees were almost against his chest now. The honey-haired boy ignored them and buried his face in the book.

"Oh Prongs, will you love me? Moonpie is still resisting my charm, and Lily yours. Maybe we should try to find solace in each other and forget those who spurn our advances!"

"Of course I'll love you, Padfoot, my beautiful mutt! C'me here!" James cooed and grabbed the dog-animagus' face and pressed their mouths together with such force that his glasses dropped to the mattress.

The boys didn't let it disturb them, and continued to make obnoxious kissing sounds, rolling around on Remus' bed.

"Eww, that's disgusting", Peter said and gagged as Sirius started sucking on the Seeker's chin, groaning all the while.

James had just started his fake orgasm (_"Oh Padfoot, you naughty bitch, yes, YES, you found my sweet spot!"_) when the owner of the bed finally lost his temper and shoved the frotting pair to the floor with a well aimed kick between the Seeker's ribs.

"Why won't you let me be happy?!" Sirius shrieked and ran out of the dorm, hitting the door frame and then stumbling in the stairs as he covered his eyes, hiding fake tears.

"You, Moony", James said in a low voice, eyes narrowed. "you are the real bitch here!"

Then he, too, ran out, mimicking Sirius' performance perfectly. The werewolf rubbed his temples and muttered something like _'wish it was hunting season'_ under his breath. Peter cleared his voice awkwardly and inched towards the door.

"I'm just going to see if they hurt themselves", he said, though Remus was pretty sure he just didn't want to be left alone with an irate lycanthrope.

"Make sure they did", he quipped and opened his book again when he was finally alone, like he had hoped to be all day.

He cast a locking charm on the door, and licked his lips as he gazed down at the magazine he had charmed to look like pages of the book to someone who wasn't holding it. It wasn't exactly a wank mag, but the pictures of scantily clad glam rockers were enough to get his blood traveling North. He started to hunt for a good picture, getting more and more turned on.

When he saw the picture, _the perfect picture_, he paused. This was usually the part when he opened his flies and, well, went at it, but now, staring at the gorgeous man, whose privates were barely covered by a shimmering fabric that was held by two women in showy dresses, he got an idea. He cocked his head and reached to the floor next to his bed.

The man winked at him when he smoothed open the sign-up form and plucked a quil from his school bag.

MWPP

Remus had been shocked how easily he had gotten Lily to agree. The red-head had giggled and blushed when he'd pulled her aside and described what he had in mind. She had even promised to get one of the younger prefects to join their act, so it would be even more perfect. He had thanked her, baffled, and headed straight to the library.

The next part demanded a bit of guile, some lies and a lot of balls, but he wasn't a Marauder for nothing. He had _'borrowed'_ the Cloak on more than one night and hogged the Map too, so the others couldn't find out what he was up to. He was very happy he had Lily as his assistant, since she was much better at potions and he needed a lot of liquid glamour to slather on his skin.

The last part was the coreography. Weirdly, this made him the most nervous, but the nights that he spent with Lily and a 6th year prefect, Alice, practising in a remote, abandoned classroom were so hilarious that he couldn't help but relax a bit.

"The song is so perfect!" Lily gasped and held up the other girl, who was laughing so hard she needed the assistance. "So perfect for those big-headed idiots! Pardon my English, I know I'm talking about your friends."

"Oh don't worry", Remus chuckled, his chest heaving and leather jacket sticking to his skin. "That's exactly the reason I chose it!"

They snorted in laughter and started to gather their props, since the performance was tomorrow and they had to bring them with them. They made their way back to the common room so that the werewolf 'went ahead to check' and came back to get the girls. In reality, he just walked far enough so he could look at the Map in private.

"See you tomorrow", he told the girls when they stood between the two staircases.

Their nervous but happy laughter filled the air for one last time before they climbed to their respective dorms.

MWPP

The Great Hall looked foreign without the long tables. Instead, there were small, round ones, and a raised stage stood where the teachers usually sat. House colours were present in streamers and glimmering fairies, and the night sky showed them magical northern lights. The atmosphere was quite enchanting, or would've been, if Remus hadn't been absolutely terrified. He fidgeted in his seat and wondered if he should cancel the whole thing. Alice smirked at him from a nearby table.

"Good seats", Peter said approvingly as he appeared next to them.

He had gone to get them food while the other three had searched for a table. The black-haired boys had followed the irritable werewolf to the front of the Hall, and watched, shocked, as he had hissed at some young Hufflepuffs to find another table. The honey-haired boy had almost yanked a chair from under one of the boys when they didn't move quickly enough.

The three animagi snacked on the foods Peter had gotten them, enjoying the entertainment. However, after a surprisingly good rendition of Boney M's _'Daddy Cool' _by two fourth year Slytherins, Sirius had had enough of Remus' sulking.

"Are you still upset about us teasing you about being shy?" he cooed and put his hand very near the werewolf's groin.

The pissed off prefect growled. Sirius and James' _'teasing'_ had consisted of a sing-and-dance number about why Remus should free his _'inner sexy beast'_. It had taken place during breakfast. On the table. And his lap. The pale boy turned to the long-haired one, a wicked grin splitting his face as he remembered just why he _had to_ do this.

"Be careful what you wish for", he rasped, enjoying the glint of confusion in the grey eyes. "You just might get it."

Just as he turned away, Alice made her way their table. Her round face was flushed and she almost jumped on her heels as she halted infront of the werewolf.

"Remus, can I borrow you for a moment?" she asked and blushed even more as James wolf whistled and Peter shickered. Sirius kept quiet.

"Of course, Alice, whatever you need", the honey-haired prefect said in a mock-surprised voice and without a word to his friends, walked away with the girl.

"What was that about?" the long-haired animagus asked, tone sour, and stabbed a piece of treacle tart.

"That, my dear Padfoot, appeared to be _luuuuuv_", the sappy seeker sang.

James was soon sporting a bloody nose, and they missed the next two numbers (fire-eating ending up in severe heartburn and a stand-up show that got a lot of laughs, possibly because the poor Hufflepuff hadn't realized his robes were see-through in the spotlight) because McGonagall lectured them for a good twenty minutes.

"And if you disrupt any show", she nagged when the next number was announced. "I will cancel your Hogsmeade visits and give you two months of detention! No one is to disturb the show, you hear me?!"

As she stomped off, Peter shoved more tissues at James, though he already had plenty. Sirius started calmly arranging the paper so that the Seeker soon resembled a snowman.

"Wait a second", Faux-Frosty suddenly said and leaned to watch the stage where the lights had dimmed. "Who did they say was next?"

"Don't move", Sirius grumbled as the papers shifted. "I think they said Remus was singing a song."

James waited patiently for his friend to snap out of his sudden interest in origami. It took several seconds, but suddenly he perked up, like dog that had farted himself awake.

"Wait, what?"

"Good boy", James said dryly.

Peter gave a baffled Sirius a cookie.

MWPP

Behind the curtains, Remus was feeling faint. He was sweating and shivering at the same time.

"These clothes are too hot", he whined and squirmed, making the red leather creak.

"Oh yes they are", Alice leered, and stiffled a laugh when the boy looked at her with pure murder in his eyes.

"You'll be taking them off soon enough", Lily said with a less obvious excitement in her voice.

"That's kind of what I'm most nervous about", the honey-haired boy said and shook his hair out his eyes, making glitter puff around himself.

"What are you worried about? It's not like all the girls, and probably half the boys, haven't imagined you naked anyway", Alice said, not noticing how Remus mouth dropped open.

"Very funny", the werewolf said weakly. The starting bass filled the air already.

"Why do you think we agreed to this?" Lily laughed as she and Alice walked out to the stage, holding up the flowy fabric that seemed suddenly a very flimsy protection against the staff and students of Hogwarts.

"Here we go", he muttered to himself and grasped the mike like a lifeline.

The lights blinded him for a moment, but he managed to head out to stand between the two girls in their glimmering red dresses. He wasn't sure if the crowd was silent, or his blood pounded hard enough in his ears to muffle the sounds. His left hand started snapping, his body moving, hesitantly at first, then properly undulating. He squeezed his eyes shut as he listened to the girls on either side of him.

_"Boys call you sexy"_, he heard Lily moan, and couldn't help but smirk as he thought how James' blue balls must've felt right now. _"And you don't care what they say."_

_"See, every time you turn around they're screaming your name"_, Alice jumped in – she really had a nice singing voice.

_"Boys call you sexy"_, the girls sang together now. _"And you don't care what they say, see, every time you turn around they're screaming your name."_

The werewolf took a deep breath and brought the mike to his lips, opened his eyes and thrust his hips forward.

_"Now I've got a confession"_, he groaned and licked his lips. _" When I was young I wanted attention, and I promised myself that I'd do anything, anything at all for them to notice me."_

Lily and Alice flipped their heads forward, then back, moaning into mikes as their hair cascaded glitter towards the audience. He pouted and looked from girl to girl.

_"But I ain't complaining"_, he sang as he leaned to check out Lily's arse, almost _feeling_ the sexually frustrated Seeker's fury. _"We all wanna be famous, so go ahead and say what you wanna say!"_

He made sure to catch Sirius' wide eyes for the next part.

_"You don't know what it's like to be nameless" _, he almost growled._ "Want them to know what your name is."_

He put the mike in its stand and started to slide open the zipper on the leather jacket as the girls sang.

_"'Cause see when I was younger I would say"_, they mewled and stood back werewolf did a whole stripper thing in the middle of the stage._ "When I grow up, I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna be in movies! When I grow up, I wanna see the world, drive nice cars!" _

Remus threw the jacket near a table full of teachers, and straightened the tight white t-shirt he had underneath.

_"I wanna have groupies"_, he leaned to groan in the mike and stepped to Lily and grabbed her arse, and she faigned anger.

He danced back a few steps so Lily had room to conjure and throw a glassful of water on his chest. The shirt was now even more see-through than the Hufflepuff's robe had been, and from the corner of his eye, the prefects saw McGonagall approach the stage.

"Mr Lupin! Off the stage, NOW!" she demanded but someone stopped her.

"Now now, Minerva, you said it yourself", Dumbledore said calmly. "_No one_ is to disturb the show."

The old man looked up to Remus, who was shocked to see the same appreciation in the twinkling blue as he had seen in the girls' eyes.

_'Damn old perv'_, he thought and smirked. _'Let's give him a show of a lifetime!'_

The werewolf threw his head back, glitter flying everywhere, and howled before taking the mike again.

_"When I grow up, be on TV, people know me, be on magazines"_, the trio sang together. "_When I grow up, fresh and clean, number one bitch when I step out on the scene!"_

Remus turned to Sirius again and winked saucily.

_"But be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it"_, Alice panted into the mike, swaying her hips in a way that was more than a tad vulgar.

The pale boy ripped the shirt to shreds, throwing the pieces blindly in the crowd, feeling only a little bad when he heard Snape curse loudly and his friends laugh.

_"But be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it"_, Lily purred, biting her lip as she ran her eyes up and down Remus' heaving chest.

_"They used to tell me I was silly"_, their glistening male lead sang a bit breathily, whole body twitching to the beat of the music. "_Until I popped up on the TV. I always wanted to be a superstar, and knew that singing songs would get me this far!"_

At the _'singing songs'_ part he sucked on his lower lip and ran his hands down his front, eyes fluttering shut. He let his fingers find the zipper of the leather pants and start sliding it down. Lily and Alice went to pick the flowy fabric they had layed out on the edge of the stage at the beginning.

_"But I ain't complaining, we all wanna be famous"_, the writhing werewolf moaned when he had the zipper open. He opened his eyes again and made sure the audience got a peek of his red-and-gold thong. He gave the girls the signal, and they lifted the fabric just as he dropped trou.

"He's faking it!" someone shouted from the crowd.

_"So go ahead and say what you wanna say"_, Remus smirked as the song fit the moment. "_I see them staring at me, ooh I'm a trendsetter! Yes this is true 'cause what I do, and no one can do it better!"_

He keened the last part wildly as he hurled the sweaty leather into the audience. The girls laughed happily and leaned forward a bit, flashing both their cleavages and the very top of the skimpy pants the male prefect was wearing. When they came up, Remus took a deep breath and shucked the thong, not very gracefully, and blushed as he saw Lily lean back to look.

_"You can talk about me"_, he sang, feeling strangely exhilirated as he stood there, naked and barely covered by the fabric. "_'Cause I'm a hot topic!"_

"Oh yes you are", he heard Alice murmur and the girls giggled.

He swallowed and felt his body heat up with embarrassement, but kept a smug smirk on his face as he sought Sirius' face again. The animagus was almost purple now, mouth hanging open and eyes like saucers.

_"I see you watching me, watching me"_, the wicked werewolf sang. _"And I know you want it!"_

He lifted the silk thong with one slender finger and dangled it towards his horny friend. At the last minute he flung them randomly in the crowd, and almost heard Padfoot whimper like the needy puppy he was. His smile turned into a cringe as he heard Snape scream and the other Slytherins howl in laughter. Sirius stood and ran off, and Remus felt a bit guilty.

"Fuck you, Lupin!" he heard the the shamed Slytherin yell as the music stopped a moment later.

"No thank you", Remus murmured into the mike and got a few laughs.

He cupped his privates, making the two girls moan in disappointment and turned to walk away. Embarrassement and disbelief over his own actions rushed in his veins. He was almost off the stage when he felt a breeze behind him, and everyone gasped.

"ALBUS!" he heard McGonagall shriek.

"Nice arse!" he heard Gilderoy Lockhart shout and then whistle, before the girls, snorting in hysterical laughter, ushered him behind the curtains.

"Where's the -", he started when he saw that Lily and Alice were empty-handed, but when he looked around, he froze. "Where are my _clothes?!_"

His amber eyes flashed fury as he saw a familiar face peek into the backstage before running off.

"SIRIUS BLACK YOU FUCKTARD! GET BACK IN HERE OR I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE VET AND HAVE YOU FIXED!"

The whole of Hogwarts then had the privilige to witness just how many imaginative curse words the soft-spoken prefect-turned-stripper knew as he chased after a madly cackling fellow Marauder out of the Hall.

"Nice cock too", Lockhart muttered to himself and started as he realized their headmaster was smiling at him and nodding nearby, eyebrows wiggling perversely.

_'Kinky old bugger'_, the boy thought and shifted further away from the old wizard.


End file.
